Some days (many days) I feel the urge to do something creative. Something outside of the everyday tasks of motherhood. For me, that something is almost always writing of some kind.
I see videos about the regrets dying people have, for not taking the leap, finding your purpose, being brave with your creativity. I read books and I dream about writing a novel or at least writing a blog post once a week and I think about the legacy I want to leave for my kids. I think about what it is I want to do once this phase is over. Will I go back to school? Will I get a job? Will I continue to stay home? I dream about possibilities that I’m not quite brave enough to admit.
And yet, days pass and nothing gets written.
And I feel like a part of me wants to feel something like remorse about it. Sure, I’d like to be writing more, creating something. Sure it doesn’t feel great to have the impulse to write and not follow through with it.
But the truth is, when it comes down to holding the sleeping baby or picking up the computer, I’ll pick the baby. When it comes down to playing the same game on the floor with the toddler for the tenth time today or writing a blog post, I’ll pick the toddler. When it comes to starting a project with the six year old or starting that novel, even if I’m exhausted and everything is a mess and I’m not sure how I feel about starting a project, I’ll pick the six year old.
And I don’t feel like I’m giving something up.
Because even though I have dreams and plans beyond motherhood, my greatest dream and plan still IS motherhood.
You see, I’m not staying at home because I’m being noble and giving up my career. I’m not even staying at home just because I think it’s what’s best for my kids.
I’m staying at home because it’s exactly what I want to do.
At this point in my life, motherhood IS my purpose, my dream. There is nowhere else I’d rather be. I’m not putting my life on hold to raise my kids. This IS my life. It’s a life I feel privileged to have, even on the hardest days.
It may be hard to write most days, but that’s only because the choice between writing and spending that time with my kids isn’t hard at all.