I was ready to be a mom. At least, I thought I was.
As soon as she was born, I “freaked out” (for lack of better description). It could have been the vicious hormone attack. Or perhaps it’s normal for first time parents (though, if so, no one warned me in the slightest). It could have been exhaustion or any number of things. But the idea of being “responsible” for this tiny human for the rest of my life was terrifying.
Looking back now, it’s almost comical to see how severe my reaction was. I remember reasoning that I wanted to breast feed because it was best for her, but I also wanted to give her one bottle of formula per day, that way if something happened to me and she had to suddenly wean, she would be ok. I felt like I had to prepare for everything, to make sure that no matter what life through at us, I would be prepared and she would be alright.
I’ve learned more about children and about myself in the last four years than in all the twenty-four years before that. I’ve learned how often I try to control things that I don’t need to be controlling. I’ve learned that my parenting style is different than how I was raised. I’ve learned how magical children are, and how much we have to learn from them.
And for the last four years I’ve been trying to find the language to share what I’m learning. I’m still not sure I have found it. But last week while reading, a phrase kept popping up–a phrase that has been popping up in my world for a while now: open-ended learning.
Generally, the term open-ended refers to a question that doesn’t have a specific “right” answer. It’s one of the things I focused on in my work in education–getting teaching to ask questions because they want to hear what is in the child’s brain, not because they want to hear a parrot of what is in their own brain or the textbook. Open-ended questions are a foundational piece of creativity, curiosity, and authentic learning.
During my reading last week, it occurred to me: why not apply the same concept to parenting? Rather than approach our children as if it is our job to turn them into something, to turn them into a “right answer”, what if we treated parenting as an opportunity to discover them, and to give them the tools to discover themselves?
So here’s to the beginning of a journey I’ve been beginning for a long time now. At least at the beginning of this chapter, unlike my beginning into motherhood, I’ve learned to let go of the impulse to control and instead be present with what I find.
Thanks for joining me.