I have successfully narrowed parenting a five year old down to these 3 recurring conversations. You’re welcome.
Conversation #1
5 year old: “Mom? What’s a (mumbles incoherent question)?
Me: “What?”
5 year old: (Repeats mumbled question)
Me: “Child, I can’t understand what you are saying. Can you please speak more clearly?”
5 year old: (Repeats question, mostly clearly, except one key word is still jumbled. Example: “Mom, what is a nerfve?”)
Me: “What is a WHAT?”
5 year old: “A (repeats jumbled word)”
Me: “A nerF? A nerVe? I don’t understand.”
5 year old: “A NERfve.”
Me: (blank stare) “Are you saying NERVE? Like a nerve in your body?”
5 year old: “Yeah.”
Me: (more blank stare) “Can we talk about this in a little while? I’m busy concentrating on ____ and that is a complicated question. Also, I’m exhausted from asking you five questions just to try to understand what your one question was.”
Conversation #2
Me: Dinner time!
5 year old: I’m not hungry.
Me: Please eat.
5 year old: (whines) But I’m so fulllllllllllll.
Me: You need to eat at least ____# of bites.
5 year old: (whines through all ___ bites)
(20 minutes later…)
5 year old: Can I have a snack?
Me: No. You just had dinner and you didn’t even eat.
5 year old: BUT I’M STARVINGGGGGGGGGGGG.
Me: (Pulls hair out)
Conversation #3
5 year old: Can I go swimming?
Me: After lunch when I put your sister to sleep.
(Two minutes later)
5 year old: Can I go swimming after lunch?
Me: Yes. After I put your sister to sleep.
(Two minutes later)
5 year old: I was thinking about going swimming after lunch. Is that ok?
Me: Yes. I already said yes.
(Two minutes later)
5 year old: Is it ok if I go swimming after lunch?
Me: Didn’t I already answer this?
5 year old: I don’t know? Yes?
Me: Yes. I did. And what was my answer?
5 year old: I don’t remember.
(Pulls hair out)
(Two minutes later)
5 year old: So…. I can go swimming?
Me: NO.
5 year old: But you already said I could!!
Me: THEN WHY ARE YOU STILL ASKING??