We are a blended family. Lexi’s dad and I parted ways right after her 2nd birthday. It was hard, it always is, especially with kids. At the time I felt like we would be better parents to her apart than together, and since “what if”s don’t really do anything, that’s what I still believe. We get along better now, and it feels good to be working together to parent her.
Sharing time with her has always been hard. As a mother, to send my kid somewhere else two evenings per week and every other weekend feels so strange. But I tell myself it is about what’s best for her. She loves going to her dad’s. She loves coming to our house. She loves that she gets to be with both of us. And he is a good dad; he deserves to have time with her.
When we found out we were pregnant, that was one of the first things I began to think about. How will I have one of my children all the time and one of them part of the time? How will Lexi handle it?
The truth is, I don’t know. We talk about how some people’s parents live together and other people’s live apart. We talk about all the people who love her and how lucky she is. When she misses one of us, we FaceTime each other. One step at a time, one moment at a time, we do the best we can with whatever situation or feelings we encounter.
And it’s hard. It’s harder now because I’m exhausted and I’m constantly feeding Harper or changing her and I don’t feel like I’m giving the same amount of attention to Lexi.
Two weeks ago we were in the hospital. It was her weekend with her dad, but she came to visit every day. Last weekend she was with us, and then this week she was with us all week because her dad was sick. So today was the first day I had to send her to his house for the weekend. Harper was fussy all day so before I knew it he was here to pick her up, and I felt like I hadn’t had enough snuggles or hugs or giggles… I felt like I had hardly spent any time with her all day and now she was leaving. And even though I’m exhausted and quite frankly could use the break, my heart still breaks every time I have to let her go.
Maybe it’s practice for a lifetime of letting her go. Deep in my heart, I’m so proud to share her with the world. But it doesn’t make sharing her any easier.