We live in a society that has ideas about the role of a mother and the role of a father in raising children. In recent years, those ideas have begun to change. But that kind of change is never fast.
These ideas that we are surrounded by emphasize the role of the mother in parenting. Society tells us that a “good” mother either gives up her career to raise her children, or constantly struggles to balance her career with parenthood. If a child is sick, it is her responsibility to take sick days. She is the one who cleans out the backpack each night, helps with homework, makes dentist appointments, makes dinner, cleans up the house, does the laundry. She attends PTO, keeps the calendar of parent teacher conferences, she chauffeurs kids to activities. She never drops the ball. She is the one who puts all other needs before her own.
In order to be a good father, one must provide for their family financially.
We all know fathers who go above and beyond this basic requirement, but the truth is, as long as he doesn’t beat his wife and children and brings home a steady paycheck, he will likely escape the wrath of society’s judgment.
I never really thought about this until people started complimenting me on my own husband. When he would chase the kids around so I could sit down for a moment, people were in awe. When he would feed the kids a meal, everyone told me how lucky I am to have a man like that. Don’t even get me started on how people reacted when they saw him changing diapers.
At first, I appreciated the compliments. My husband IS wonderful. I AM unbelievably lucky to be married to him. And I’m grateful every day that he is such an amazing father to our children.
But one day it occurred to me: why are we as a society so in awe of a man being an involved father? No one has ever told him how lucky HE is to have a wife who is willing to change diapers and feed the children and chase them around so he could rest. Why is it that it’s expected of women but awe-worthy when it comes to men?
I know that my marriage and parenting relationship doesn’t follow traditional societal norms. My husband helps with housework. He helps take care of the kids. He helps prepare meals. He helps with laundry. If I am gone for a night or a weekend, he can handle it all.
Because he is just as much a parent as I am.
I won’t lie, sometimes society’s ideas of how it “should” be in parenting make me doubt myself. Sometimes the girls wake up in the morning and they call for daddy, not mommy, and I don’t know how I feel about it. Sometimes I wonder if I lean on him too much. Sometimes I feel guilt if I’m doing something for myself rather than sacrificing it all for my family.
But at the end of the day, I know better. I love that my girls know they can call for daddy and he will come. I love that they see me leaning on him and him holding me up. I love that they see him supporting me in pursuing things outside of our family as well as supporting me in everything to do with our family. What more could I ask for in a role model for how a man should treat a woman than that?
This isn’t to say that anything less than exactly equal co-parenting is a bad thing. Rather, I think that every parenting team has to find what works for them as a family. The needs of the family and of the team members should be more important than what society says we “should” be doing. What works for some might not work for others, and that’s okay.
I love it when people compliment me on how wonderful my husband is, because he IS wonderful and that deserves to be celebrated. What also deserves to be noticed and celebrated is women who share the load with their partners rather than trying to do it all themselves. Women who ignore what society tells them about what a mother should be and instead find what works in their relationship and family.
What deserves to be noticed and celebrated is couples who find a balance that works for them so that they can work as a team for their children. What deserves to be noticed and celebrated is all the parents and families out there figuring it out and taking care of each other in the process.